I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
