I wanna bring you to show and tell
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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