Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
