Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
