By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
