hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
