Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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