Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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