Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
