Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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