So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
