My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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