I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
