I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
