walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
