You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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