How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
