He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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