If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
