Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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