Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
