He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we're making bets on your personal life
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
