He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
foreskin is a definite game changer
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
