i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
