She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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