i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
