I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
