Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
