I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
