I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
