2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
