I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
