until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
