Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
