I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
