Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
