I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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