John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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