I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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