I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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