i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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