I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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