My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
