put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
