Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
