Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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