my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
