Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
