I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
