How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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